I type about trusting in God amid having cried a lot about a difficult task that God had guided and instructed me to do. I had been praying on the matter for a while and got my answer-
to give up grad. school.
It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but I felt God speak to me very clearly and was gracious enough to give me time to come around. I still remember receiving my acceptance letter and feeling so accomplished, validated, and like I achieved something great. I remember telling my grandmother about it and she was so proud of me.
Just reflecting on that thought now brings the tears back since she passed away this August.
She had been one of the few souls I told of my aspiration for grad school and I had always given her regular updates. I felt that, especially after she passed, that I then HAD to embark on this journey- to make her proud. However, I’ve come to realize that grad. school wasn’t even in God’s timing for this season of my life to begin with.
Sometimes we try to force our plans into God’s plan, expecting it to be better. A lot of the time, our plans are often driven by our desire to please other people, or to just please ourselves. I wanted to pursue grad. school, but I’ve come to realize now that in this season of life it just isn’t for me. For all I know, something so much more, so much better, could be on the horizon if I just have trust in the Lord.
Ever since my epiphany and revived faith in Jesus Christ, God has really been making changes in my life. Change is something that I’ve always felt uncomfortable with, especially major “worldly” life changes like school, career, and other “milestones” that society judges our livelihoods with. Graduate school was one of those changes.
So, here I am. Unsure of what the future holds, but I’ve been diving into the bible on “trust” and found this set of verses:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; in all your ways know him, and he will make your path straight.”Proverbs 3:5-6
Do not rely on your own understanding. Ha, see this was one of the most profound convictions God revealed to me in my epiphany. I was called wise by the world for pursuing their version of truth while God was calling me a lost sheep. He’s given me the spiritual gift of the ability to understand, but I wasn’t using it for HIS works and HIS truth. I was using it for myself- my ego.
I was trying to run my life my way and I just feel like God said, “Okay, you think your plans are good. Let’s test that theory,” and everything proceeded to fall apart over this whole year. I finally realized that I wasn’t walking straight, I was walking sideways and even downwards. It took me to reach my lowest point to be open to God’s grace. It took me to THAT point, to pursue him and let him make my path straight.
Basically, it took me relinquishing control of my ego and the idea that my life is mine- it’s not. He made me for his purpose, which I pray I can fulfill in whatever fashion from now on.
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth. He never becomes faint or weary; there is no limit to his understanding. He gives strength to the faint and strengthens the powerless. Youths may become faint and weary, and young men may stumble and fall, but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary, they will walk and not faint.”Isaiah 40: 28-31
Ahh youths. We think we’re these immortal creatures until we hit that “adulting” stage and feel the true weight of the world. Nothing is more crushing than the world, which is why it’s important to turn to the one who can not only bear the weight, but lighten our load. God created this world, he is omniscient. He knows the burdens and evil that is swallowing this world, it’s why he sent Jesus to save! It’s reassuring to lean on HIS understanding and not my own (which has been known to change as I change). God is solid, his word does not change and is everlasting.
I was listening to Lauren Daigle’s songs “Trust in You” and “My Revival” while reading Isaiah 40:28-31. “My Revival” contains references and imagery from the verses, which really brought the verses to life for me.
“I will run and not grow weary/ I will walk, I will not faint/ I will soar on wings like eagles/ Find my rest in your everlasting name”“My Revival” by Lauren Daigle (Lyrics from Genius)
Overall, I don’t know what God has planned for me. I just know that God has given me this desire to write and to read. I’m just learning the spiritual gifts that God has given me and how to use it for his kingdom.
The Study Bible for Women, Christian Standard Bible, Holman Bible Publishers, 2017